And so the school year begins.

And I'm already tired. This is not a good sign!

This semester started off in a very traumatic way. Sunday night Josh and I learned that someone we knew had committed suicide. This is a situation I've never been in before. To say it was devastating is putting it lightly...I can't even say I was close to this person, he was a friend of a friend, but I'd hung out with him and knew how much he meant to certain people I care about. For that and reasons I will just never understand I took it very hard. Actually, I didn't know how to take it...I was so confused, so lost. 

I've had my generous share of emotional problems in the past, and will have tons more in the future...but I realize now never did I truly grasp the concept of suicide until this instance. I was in one instance the two year old who felt robbed because she knew the face behind the peek-a-boo scarf wasn't coming back, and at the same time the grown-up who didn't understand why the face wasn't popping back up again when she continuously lifted the scarf. It was gone, and would never come back. 

Permanence has hit me like a boulder. Permanence, before learning about the suicide, was some sort of a ghost...a phantom word. Now I know I didn't understand what permanence truly meant. I'm still trying to figure it out. Even more mind-boggling, how one could leap into such permanence, so blindly and unknowing of what's to come. It's so scary. I believe it takes a lot of faith to leap into such permanence. Faith in what, I don't know. 

My mind is still all over the place. The first day after I found out I found myself eating life by the barrel. I ate so much. I saw so much. I questioned so much. I experienced so much. I wasn't even doing a lot but I experienced more than I think I ever have. Just by taking a shower, watching a tv show, lighting a candle. Everything seemed to take more weight, more importance. It asked for more validation and more acknowledgement. I felt as if I experienced my whole life in a single day. And now I am so tired and feel so old. I'm still so confused by the whole concept of everything and what it means...and am so incredibly tired. 

I'm the type to internalize things too deeply, to the point where it wears me out. I need to figure out a way to balance this.